Tag Archives: forgiveness coaching

All Blame is a Waste of Time

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy. – Dr. Wayne Dyer

I really, really appreciate this quote.  What if we thought of  the occurence of blame as starting point, a lens through which to look INSIDE at the thoughts and feelings of helplessness or struggle that are underneath our feelings of pain (sadness, humiliation, anger etc).  This opens up the doorway to a true path of healing:  honesty about our expectations, needs, replaying of past scripts etc. 

This doesn’t mean we don’t speak truth or draw boundaries or leave painful situations. It just means that we embrace as our most worthy task  the transformation of our own hearts and minds.  That is the only source of true peace.  Like Paul says in Philippians 4, there is a purposeful and prayerful peace that passes understanding and that GUARDS OUR HEARTS AND MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.

I wish you well on this peace-making journey.  Whether we cross paths in coaching or in forgiveness or other spirituality classes, I look forward to supporting your work.



Every attack is a call for love

This insight from The Course in Miracles rocks my world. Opens me up.  It pierces the soul with a truth undeniable.  Like Christian scripture says that Word always does.

What does this mean for me?

One thing it surely means is that  sometimes I misperceive and misname an event as an attack, when it is simply an assertion. A grasp. A flail. A moan. A misplaced bitterness.   A longing for voice and power.

A call for love. 

That is, a call for a sense of place and regard and connection.

Of course, there are also times of explicit attack: judgments, name-calling, discrimination, or accusations born of  rigid expectations.

A call for love?

Looking at another (or myself!) with this in mind, breaks open the compassion in me.  Like champaign bubbling  forth.  I can’t help it.  The ego/carnal mind resists it. Resents it. Wants to argue and qualify and condition it. 

“Yes, but–!” 

“Be careful – ”

“Wait a minute –”

A teacher in junior high walked into the psychology classroom and wrote in big chalky letters:  ALL BEHAVIOR HAS A REASON.  That has long been a sort of compassion compass for me.   It really got inside me.  It’s related to this CIM quote.  Could it really be about miracles?

I think so.  As I walk the forgiveness journey, and teach and coach about it, I have become convinced. Not done, but surely convinced.  Miracles happen when I bathe “attacks” in this mantra.

Accepting that “every attack is a call for love” does not equate to being a doormat. Or failing to draw the boundaries I need to draw to be safe — emotionally, spiritually, physically —  or focused on the right laboratory of learning.  Sometimes we need to excuse ourselves from the classroom at hand and go find another.  But I can do so with an increasingly Divine knowing of another’s – or my own — deep need and suffering beneath the aggressive word or deed.  When I choose to see the suffering, the fear and anger and their perversions, I see as God sees.  Whatever the choice for health is, I can do so enabled with this Divine knowing. Or, not. And if I do not act in this knowing I may be technically safe or relieved, but still suffer a lot.

 In Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer, Richard Rohr writes about the spiritual journey in terms of learning to draw boundaries without anger.   To live in an increasing understanding of what lies beneath ego’s (what I think Paul might name “carnal”)  attacks frees me a bit from the bonds of retaliation.  And it is freeing me, like a refiner’s fire, from the self-righteousness of my own attacks and defenses.  With Divine knowing about my suffering and needs, I can open to the Healer’s embrace awaiting us all.

Another name for this journey is “forgive for Life.”  Many of my clients and students are walking this courageous journey, and it is an honor to walk with them.    I support them as they cultivate the Divine compassion needed to honor their pain and at the same time to accept the suffering and lack which have caused them or others to do harm.  When we truly surrender in vulnerability to the truth that everything is a call for love, then we can truly act wisely and decisively for the healing which beckons us. 

Every attack is a call for love.

What might this mean for you?